I won’t tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you…

I always find it interesting how interwebbed the internet is. No matter how you try to hide, if someone is slick enough, they can find you. It’s tough being a mom and trying to keep up with teenage master hackers. It helps when they underestimate my skillz, but it still pushes my little fibro-damaged brain to its limits. But keep in mind, that works both ways. They can find me just as easily, and likely faster, mainly because I’m not trying to hide.

I’ve always been one of the few who sees through Isaac’s bullshit to the pain underneath. Aubrey is the only other one, and that’s just because she’s my daughter, and has been raised to see through such things. It’s a safety thing, mainly. Teaching her how to see past the surface is the only way to protect her from predators. Maybe that’s why for her, psychology was an extremely easy A class. Either way, we know that Isaac doth protest too much, particularly without cause.

A while back, I discovered Isaac’s stumbleupon account, and found his favorited posts. I thought them extremely interesting, as he was posting on topics that Aubrey is fascinated by, and will likely study…like cognitive neuroscience. This makes it easy to know that all of his fit throwing, meanness, and other cowardly bullshit is exactly that. Cowardly bullshit. If he didn’t still love her, he wouldn’t be cyber-stalking my blog. How do I know he’s been cyber-stalking me? Because he saw my video. On the day it came out. Not when it hit facebook weeks later, not when someone else would have had a chance to tell him about it. The same day. No one knew about it yet. Except on that same day, Isaac either stopped using stumbleupon or switched usernames. In other words, he watches me as much as I watch him. Why? Because I’m safer. He can’t stalk Aubrey because it is way too painful. But me? Well, I’m easy to hate, despise, and dismiss. I’m not the woman he loves. But through me, he can still find out what is going on in Aubrey’s life. Is she dating? Is she over him yet? Is she happy? Is she okay? No, No, No, and No. Will he step up and do anything about it to make her life better? Uh…NO.

When Aubrey went to AH graduation, she was shocked and infuriated to see THREE pictures of them together in the slideshow. There was not one single photo of him alone. Here’s the thing…He was in the AV club. I’d be willing to bet money that he was the one who put that slideshow together. After weeks of him not texting her, in spite of her texting him numerous times in an attempt to rekindle their friendship, when she did text him about the photos, he immediately texted her back to say they were used without his consent. Bullshit.

Now, Isaac has changed his fb profile pic to a dead-on straight shot of his infuriated face. In his eyes is a “Fuck you”, with tight lips and dirty hair, taken in front of a messy room. No smile. No cute, fluffy, cos-play, furry hat & mitts. Instead, there is only hatred. What he forgets is that I don’t buy it for a second. Oh, I’m sure that what he means is to look hateful. For anyone else, he succeeds. Not with me, though.

What I see is a sad, lonely little boy suffering from moderate to severe depression. I see someone who desperately needs to be loved, but doesn’t know how to let anyone love him because he doesn’t believe he is worthy of being loved. I see someone who is violently angry, but at himself, because he doesn’t know how to accurately direct all that anger. Back when I worked at the Psychological Corporation, one of the psychs there said that depression is really just anger turned inwards. Indeed, in Isaac’s case, I have to agree.

I know what depression feels like, and how it can turn one’s own mind against oneself. It can make someone who is very loved feel like the entire world is against them. It can make someone feel like there is no reason to get out of bed, ever. It makes one feel like all they want to do is escape, by whatever means necessary; television, sex, drugs, alcohol, or…video gaming. It makes one feel just exhausted, so exhausted that one just wants it to stop. Worst of all, it makes one feel like they are nothing but a burden to those they love, and that those people would be better off without them. Yes, I know EXACTLY how that feels. I have the hospital bills to prove it. Fortunately, I was so incredibly wrong, and the people who love me were there for me, even though I just wanted to be left alone.

My point is, Isaac, no matter how “Fuck you” your picture may attempt to be, even when we are angry with you, irritated by you, and know you are full of bullshit, you are STILL loved. One of these days, you will learn that you can be angry, irritated, and pissed off at people, and still love them, and even more amazingly, have them still love you. YOU are loved. Deal with it.

“Can’t read my, can’t read my, no she can’t read my poker face (he’s got to love nobody)”

 

 

 

 

“This is the way the story has to be told”

Convincing yourself that what you don’t have is something that you don’t really want in the first place is a coping mechanism. Aesop called it sour grapes. We all do it. That house that I can’t afford? Well it’s too big for me to take care of, too expensive to heat, too far from Ron’s office. Having to find a home for my dog that I’ve had since she was two weeks old because I can’t take care of her after Aubrey leaves for college? She needs more room, more walks, more attention, and this will be better for her. It can be a positive or a negative, but either way, it’s rationalization.

I’ve always referred to myself as the queen of rationalization. If you need a reason, a lie, an excuse, or just need someone to say something to make you feel better, I’m your woman. Aubrey calls it looking for the loophole. However, no matter how you frame it, it all comes back down to the same thing: cognitive dissonance.

While I normally don’t like to quote Wikipedia, I think this one is worth it.

“One desires something, finds it unattainable, and reduces one’s dissonance by criticizing it.  In a state of dissonance, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. People are biased to think of their choices as correct, despite any contrary evidence. This bias gives dissonance theory its predictive power, shedding light on otherwise puzzling irrational and destructive behavior.”

Ah, finally an explanation for the recent heartbreak drama. You might think it would make me feel better to know that there’s a psychological reason underlying the entire event, however I already knew it, I just didn’t realize it had its own term. Instead of making things better, now I can’t get those two words out of my head…cognitive dissonance.

It’s much easier to not think about complex things. With something complicated, it requires a bit of effort to concentrate on it. But when you boil it down to a phrase, that phrase can haunt your every waking moment. Before, I spent time mulling over emails, looking at pictures, reading old posts. It took effort, and I held out hope that eventually, that effort would slowly fade. Now, however…cognitive dissonance.

How did I find this? It was a link on the heartbreaker’s FB page. Yes, yes, I know lurking isn’t healthy. Yes, I know I never would have found this if I hadn’t been lurking. Now I know lurking is its own punishment. All the grief and anger that I felt last Thursday has been replaced with this single thought…cognitive dissonance. Those two words wiped out all the anger, and brought back all the grief. Where I was livid that this ass had dared to hurt my daughter, now I am once again heartbroken by the senselessness of it all, made all the worse by the fact that he knows what’s going on in his head, but still can’t get past the fear, shame, and guilt, can’t admit that he was wrong, can’t just come back where he belongs.

It’s incredibly sad how much damage a child can sustain and still manage to fake their way through life. As I said, it’s a great coping mechanism. I’ve suspected for years that this is how the heartbreaker managed to survive. I remember at Christmas, he was excited to be going to see his dad, whom he hadn’t seen in several months. However, Christmas break came and went, but he didn’t. When asked why, there was the excuse, “My stepmom was sick and now my dad can’t afford the tickets. But I’ll get to see him at Spring Break, instead.” At the time, my heart hurt for this baby, who desperately needed a family. I recognized the rationalization of it, and at the same time, I recognized the pain behind the smile. Beneath the acceptance, I could hear the same thought that used to go through my head as a kid; why don’t they love me enough? That thought that, when I was younger, seemed to place the blame on THEM, but that I later discovered actually placed the blame on myself. I wasn’t good enough for them to love me. I wasn’t good enough for them to put me first every once in a while. I wasn’t perfect, or beautiful, or a high achiever. All I had was smart, and in that world, smart is what gets you through, whichever way it can…cognitive dissonance.

So I can forgive the lies. I can forgive the “I never loved you.” I can forgive the “stay the fuck out of my life.” I can even forgive the hurt, because I know exactly what is going through his head. He’s terrified. Aubrey is not the kind of girl that one can lose easily. That one great love is devastating when it is gone, and it sometimes seems that being the one to push it away will make it less painful, because then at least we are the ones in control. With her beauty, brilliance, humor, love, intensity, loyalty, and just the expansiveness of her soul, having her 2000 miles away would be unbearable. Ah, those two words again…cognitive dissonance.

Translating the wiki quote, what he was saying is, “You’re amazing. I’m not good enough for you, and at some point you’re going to realize it. Before you notice, I’m going to pretend that I can’t stand you and I want you out of my life.” Am I being presumptive? I don’t think so. I’m pretty good at reading people (another survival mechanism that one develops when growing up in that sort of world). Even more so, I’ve done the same thing.

Love, real love, true love, unending love is so rare. Yes, I know the world is full of people who get married, and stay married, and have kids, and grow old together. But that’s committment. Is it love? Sometimes, but not always. Being faced with such terrible greatness is hard to do as an adult, but nearly impossible as a child, especially when 18 years of low self-esteem is telling you that you don’t deserve such greatness.

Cognitive dissonance. Survival. What we do to make it through…we change the story. Remember all the fun we had in Houston, raiding the executive lounge of dr. pepper and sprite? Nope, I hated it. Remember snuggling on the sofa watching Fringe until we fell asleep? Remember how you posted that it was Amazing!? I was lying. Remember all the time you spent at our house because you didn’t want to go home? I was bored. Remember how my mom made you sign up for the SAT, made you study, took you to get your license when you turned 18, went and picked you up in the middle of the night because you had a fight with your parents? Your mother’s an overbearing hen. Remember how you said that you loved me? I was just pretending. Change the story. Survive.

Cognitive dissonance.

“It never will be that way again, maybe it wasn’t way back when, but to my heart and soul, this is the way the story has to be told. That’s the way I remember it, I remember it that way. From the day I was living it, I remember it that way. Some of our stories fade as we grow older, some get sweeter every time they’re told. That’s the way I remember it, that way.”