Tougher Than Diamonds, Stronger Than Steel

A friend wrote a post on facebook about people who are waiting for the “perfect” mate and the comments were interesting. So many people had the most ridiculous ideas of deal breakers. Let me tell you, perfect does not mean that he agrees with everything you say and do. Interests are superficial; they wax and wane. What you like one day is what you hate the next. It’s the core of your partner that’s important.

I’m really starting to dislike the term “deal breaker.” I like to think of them as starting points. There are only four true deal breakers, and they are abuse, addiction/untreated mental illness,  unfaithfulness, and inability to change. Anything else is negotiable. Look for the person who makes you laugh, goes out of their way to make you feel loved, who is kind, caring, supportive, and empathetic.

Give a warning shot across the bow before deciding that someone isn’t the one. When I met Ron, he was a terrible tipper. Now he grudgingly tips 20%, but he does it because he knows it’s important to me.

I was freakin’ crazy when we started dating, arguing all the time, playing come here go away. He flat out said “Choose which is more important, the drama or me.” I chose him over drama. What could have been a dealbreaker for him was instead a chance for me to make a positive change.

Look for the person who respects you enough to love you and help you grow, but is patient enough to stay while you do it. Someone who may not do the things you do, but who is secure enough to let you find others with whom to do those things.

Oh, but what about when he hums through his nose while he’s breathing, or she has to have all her food on separate plates? Um, guaranteed that if it’s not those things, there will be other things that you will learn to hate. But love means making the effort to look past those things.

Neuroses are not deal breakers. I insist that dishes be washed under running water. Ron thought it was weird, but went along with it. A year or so later, we read an article on germs and dishes; turns out the best and cleanest way to wash dishes is under running water. I’ll say it again. Neuroses are NOT deal breakers.

You love animals and he doesn’t? That’s when you ask him to make a change. You’ll find a way to make it work. If not, that’s inability to change, which can be a deal breaker if you love animals more than you love him. Same goes for if she wants kids and you don’t. If he wants to send the kids to private school but you only want public, that is NOT a deal breaker. It’s a point of compromise.

What about sex? What if it feels more like a vaginal exam than foreplay? What if he doesn’t like the way she twists and pulls? FREAKIN’ TALK ABOUT IT! If you’re not comfortable enough with each other to discuss what you do and don’t like about sex, you shouldn’t be having it.

Love is all about making compromises. I used to tell my second husband that compromise was when one person got their way and the other one didn’t. Now I know that’s not true at all. Compromise is when you work together to find a solution that is acceptable to both people. It’s work. It’s GIVING. That’s LOVE.

Although I’m not the first person to say it, and I’ve said it many times, love is not something you decide on one day and never revisit. Love is a decision, every single day. Love is deciding to find it funny that he can’t go to the grocery store alone without calling you from every aisle. Love is deciding to put on headphones when she watches Supernatural for the hundred millionth time.

I think the reason so many people think it’s impossible to find love is that they don’t want to have to change their own behavior. They want to focus on someone else’s quirks and never adjust the insane things they do. I think it’s hilarious when someone says, “Oh, if he were to do (x), I would walk away.” But if you ask them about when they do (y), they say, “Well, if he loves me, he’ll just have to accept it.” Wait, so he has to accept you and the crap you pull, but if he does anything wrong, you’re out of there? Yeah, good luck with that.

Love requires change, and if you’re not willing to change, you’re never going to find it. Change is hard, I know. But when you decide to love someone, change has a purpose. You’re becoming a better person for the one that you love.

Some days, love is easy. Some days it’s hard as fuck. No matter how irritated we get though, we both know that tomorrow is another day, another decision, another chance for it to be us against the world.

 

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