An Infinite Thing

Yesterday was a tremendous day of a hundred different sparks, like a freakin’ firework. From my own therapeutic perspective to my daughter’s growth as an adult, for me it has been one long day of explosive joy.

It started out with news that Aubrey’s yarn was one of the first sales of yarn crawl at our local yarn store. Like, the yarn hadn’t even been checked into inventory yet when someone scooped it up and bought it. Considering how hard she’s worked on skeining, caking, and winding after working her real job all day, it was gratifying to see her efforts rewarded.

I finally figured out what my therapist was trying to make me see when she said that the company a person chooses to keep says a lot about that person. I didn’t take their choice to mean that I’m “less than.” I realized that just like people who are in love with being in love, infatuated with someone new while keeping someone old around just in case, there are those who engage in the friendship version of that. That has no bearing on my value as a person. I can be their friend anyway. I’ve certainly been guilty of that behavior myself and no one is perfect.  Do I still respect them as much? No, but that’s okay too. Strike one for the unfillable void.

I didn’t get pissed off at my mother’s comment on facebook. While I would normally rant against her fictionalization of our relationship as one where she’s supportive, I have zero expectations therefore zero disappointments.

Spent the day catching up with my friend Cyndi whom I haven’t seen in ages. She gave me perspective, validation, and the reminder that just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t out to get you.

I waded into the friendship waters and decided they weren’t worth swimming in. Someone new failed my litmus test; how people treat waitstaff isn’t just useful for deciding who is worth dating. It works for friendship, too. My caution flags were raised when we met though I couldn’t put my finger on why. Being rude doesn’t make you cool but leaving a small (or non-existent) tip because of things beyond the server’s control makes you decidedly uncool. Done and done.

For whatever reason, when Aubrey got home from work, she was feeling chatty. Not just “this is what happened at work today” kind of chatty, either. More like “this is who I am, what I believe, what I dream about, who I love” kind of chatty. We talked for hours, about people, life, but mainly about Isaac.

Turns out she’s secretly been texting with him for over a year, off and on. They even went to a movie back in the spring. To the surprise of absolutely no one, he is still the love of her life, and she readily admits that he always will be. He stopped texting after the movie and she finally confronted him about it five months later. To the surprise of absolutely no one, he is still broken. She told him she’ll always be here for him and that she considers him family. That was the last time they talked.

In tumblrspeak, I believe the Universe shipped them. They are the fucking Titanic of ships, but they are eternally shipped. That being said, as much as I love him like my own child, I’m glad he walked away. The moment she saw him, she knew she was still in love with him and would take him back in a heartbeat. But until he gets to the other side enough to know that he deserves her, they would just be a time-bomb of disaster, and this time, I don’t think she’d recover. It breaks my heart that he’s still broken, and it especially breaks my heart that he may always be, but it would kill me to watch her implode again after he was gone. And no doubt about it, with where he is in his own life, he would eventually leave and she would never, ever get over it. The last time literally almost killed me. I don’t think *I* would ever get over it.

He’s still angry with me, almost five years later. I told her that it’s okay that he’s angry at me. I’m a big girl and I can take it. No matter how he feels, I do still love him like my own. One of our favorite Supernatural quotes is, “Family don’t end in blood, boy.” It could be another twenty years and if he showed up on my doorstep needing to hide a body, I’d give him crap but I’d get a shovel. I’m also adult enough to know that people don’t feel anger at those they don’t care about; they feel nothing. I stand by my belief that I’m the one it’s safe for him to be angry with, because I do love him no matter what. And if that’s what he needs me to be, that’s what I’ll be.

Life, the Universe, and everything, all in one night’s conversation. Things change and nothing changes. My daughter is amazing and I could not possibly be any more proud of her. She’s going to be just fine. I’m going to be just fine. I hope with all of my heart that Isaac will be just fine.

We. Are all. Enough.

 

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2 thoughts on “An Infinite Thing

  1. pavanneh says:

    Reblogged this on Because I can… and commented:
    So well written. It really resonated with me. I thought I would share.

    • mzklever says:

      Wow. Thank you. It always surprises me that people read my words, and that my words can have an effect. Actually, I think we all need to remember that our words can have an effect, both good and bad.

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