Some Say I’ll Be Better Without You

It takes a lot for me to let someone inside my heart. Few people have succeeded, other than my husband and children. Not quite a year ago, Isaac left our lives, and I thought that was a pain that would never be repeated. I was so incredibly wrong.

I lost one of my best friends yesterday. One minute, he was in the car, irritating the fuck out of me, and the next, we were on the phone and then he hung up on me. The loss of our friendship signified by the sound of a single click. My heart hurts today. I love him like a brother in this family of friends that I have made. I have watched him do a lot of really stupid shit, but I’ve loved him anyway; I’m not sure if it was in spite of or because of…more likely a little bit of both. However, his latest choice is something I cannot stand by and watch. In all honesty, there is no room for me in his life anymore.

I will miss his laughter, his ADD babbling, his bright and bubbly personality. I will miss how he would randomly grab my hand and start twirling me into a dance. I will miss singing old country and western songs at the top of our lungs. I will miss the fun he brought into my life. Although there are a few things I will not miss, in general, he was one of the best friends a girl could have.

We had just decided to go into business together. Yesterday, both of my male bff’s and I spent the afternoon looking at houses. We had planned to buy an old house that needed work, fix it up, sell it, then do it again. I was so excited, because not only has this been my dream since I was 15, but I was going to do it with people I love. My friend would be the CEO and my husband would be the CFO since he’s an accountant. I would be the project manager, something I could do from my bed on the days that I’m stuck in it. My other male bff is a realtor, so we even had the buying and selling covered. We planned to rehab only homes in historic districts, so we would know that at least OUR house was done correctly, as original as possible, but fresh and updated.

Even as we came up with our business plan, as I researched how to incorporate an LLC, as we came up with a really cool DBA name, as we looked at houses and considered each one, I knew in the depths of my heart that it would never happen. Ever the optimist, I moved forward just as though everything would go as planned, but the pessimist in me kept it in check. I didn’t think it would implode before it ever got started; financially, I know I should be relieved…emotionally, I’m devastated.

So today, Aubrey is showering me with lemon cupcakes and Milky Way Midnights. We are spending the day in bed, watching old episodes of Leverage, after which we will move on to Fringe. I’m incredibly grateful that she’s here. She understands the loss of a friend in the moment it takes a phone to click, a heart to beat, a heart to break.

I wish him the best. I truly, honestly do. I want nothing more than for him to be happy, whether that is with or without me in his life, or he in mine. I hope with all my heart that this latest choice is everything he wants it to be. That doesn’t mean I won’t grieve the loss of him, his friendship, and our dream business. As a mutual friend said, it’s not the end of the world, which I know is true. But it’s still an end.

“But they don’t know you like I do, or at least the sides I thought I knew.”

 

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3 thoughts on “Some Say I’ll Be Better Without You

  1. Kate says:

    Boundaries often suck : (

  2. You’re grace is beautiful.

  3. Boz says:

    To love and get hurt sucks but even more not to love and experience the way it makes us “mo-better” as my grand son use to say. I never regret having loved, just wish I’d been better at it. Just in your words, I can see while it was it was special, and for many an experience never realized, you experience(d) and truly live(d) it and your words give us hope we may get the same opportunity. You are special young lady never forget it.

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