Like Good Times That Haven’t Happened Yet, But Will

Ron is from Nebraska. If you happen to know anyone from Nebraska, you know that they are not talkers. Because Ron is so quiet and shy, very few people really know him, or know how hilarious he can be. People who know me wonder how Ron and I are compatible, but the truth is, we are like jagged, torn picture pieces that fit back together to make a whole picture. His strengths complement my weaknesses, and my strengths complement his.

It’s more than “opposites attract,” because we are not opposite at all. We are merely complementary. I am a spender, he is a saver. He keeps my spending in check, which keep us from bankruptcy. He is quiet, I am a talker. When we are in social situations, I make casual conversation so that he doesn’t have to. He hates to shop for clothes. I buy them and stick them in his closet.

Since public awareness of his amazing sense of humor is practically nonexistent, I thought I would share a few of the conversations and quotes heard around our house.

.

Ron: “I am filled with joy.”

Me: “You have no idea what joy even means.”

Ron: “Uh huh! I am full of joy at being married to such a WONDERFUL WOMAN!”

Me: “No, that’s sarcasm.”

Ron: “Oh.”

.

Ron (while rubbing Amy’s belly with his foot): “Poor dog. Why do you have to look like a pig?”

.

Ron (while torturing the cat): “Oreo…you’re such a NICE KITTY.” (Meanwhile, Ron is petting the cat’s stomach, which Oreo hates with a passion.)

Oreo: CHOMP

Ron: “OW! Why are you biting me?”

This continues for at least ten minutes. At least twice a day. Every day.

.

Me: “Will says you married me because of the sex.”

Ron: hysterical laughter

.

Ron: “Butter is better for you, and tastes better. Why do you get margarine?”

Me: “Butter is expensive.”

Ron: “It can’t be that much more. I’m getting butter from now on.”

Two days later, as Ron enters the store…

Ron: “I’m at the store. What kind of butter should I get?”

Me: “Unsalted.”

Ron: “Unsalted is just for baking. Salted is more for putting on food.”

Me: “If you knew which kind you wanted, why did you ask me?”

Meanwhile, Ron has reached the dairy section.

Ron: “What kind of margarine did you want?”

Me: “I thought you were getting butter.”

Ron: “I thought you wanted to bake stuff.”

Me: “No…Aubrey will when she gets home.”

Ron: “Ok.” Silence as his cart rattles along.

Ron: “FUCK! Butter is expensive!”

Me: “I’m hanging up on you now.”

Ron: hysterical laughter

Click

.

At bedtime, every single night, for I don’t know how many years:

Ron: “Brush your teeth.”

Me: “I always brush my teeth.”

Ron: “Brush your teeth before you fall asleep.”

Me: “I have to pee before I go to sleep. I will brush my teeth after I pee.”

Ron: “Brush your teeth.”

Me: “I will brush them when I go pee. I’m in the middle of something right now.”

Ron: “Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth.” (He says this like a cheerleader.)

Me: “I’m going to sharpen the handle of my toothbrush into a shiv and stab you through the heart.”

Ron: hysterical laughter

.

At 8:30 pm, every single night, for I don’t know how many years:

Ron: “Mzklever…do you know what time it is?” (He actually sings this part.)

Me: “Is it 8:30 already?”

Ron hands me a cup of juice and the meds bucket.

Ron: “Take your meds.”

Me: “I know. I will in a minute. Let me finish this email/tv show/blog post/row of crochet/enter activity here.”

Ron: “Take your meds.”

Me: “I WILL in just a minute.”

Ron: “Take your meds.”

Me: ” I WILL!”

Ron: “Take them now.”

Me: “Five minutes isn’t going to make a difference.”

Ron: “Take your meds.”

Me: “AUGHHHH!”

Ron: hysterical laughter

.

Ron: “I’m at Walmart. Do you need anything?”

Me: “Chocolate of some kind.”

Ron: “You don’t need chocolate.”

Me: “I have a migraine. Chocolate helps.”

Ron: “I’m not getting chocolate.”

Me: “What are you getting?”

Ron: “Nutrient bricks.” (This is what he calls frozen food like Lean Cuisine.)

Me: “Then why did you call me?”

Ron: “To see if you needed anything.”

Me: “I just need chocolate.”

Ron: “You don’t need chocolate.”

Me: “I’m hanging up now.”

Ron: hysterical laughter

Click.

Ron comes home with a giant bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

.

We have lived in this house for over four months, and have yet to install a dog door. We have this conversatioin weekly.

Me: “Are you going to put in the dog door this weekend?”

Ron: “It’s a metal door. What if I put it in wrong?”

Me: “Fine. I’m going to hire someone to come put in the door.”

Ron: “No! They’ll do it wrong.”

Me: “So you don’t want to put in the dog door because you’re afraid you’re going to do it wrong, but you don’t want me to hire a PROFESSIONAL to come do it, either?”

Ron: “I’ll do it.”

Me: “So are you going to do it this weekend?:

Ron. “No. What if I put it in wrong?”

Me: “What if I strangle you in your sleep?”

Ron: hysterical laughter.

.

Ron has the greatest sense of humor of any man I’ve ever known. He is dry, sarcastic, witty…but the best thing about him is that I can make laugh. He laughs all the time, and it is a beautiful sound. Having someone who makes me laugh is important to me, and he definitely does that. But being able to make him laugh? That is priceless.

“We’re like Romeo and Juliet, 40 dogs and cigarettes, we’re like good times that haven’t happened yet but will. I can tell you where we’re gonna be, when the whole world falls into the sea. We’ll be living ever after, happily.”

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6 thoughts on “Like Good Times That Haven’t Happened Yet, But Will

  1. Boz says:

    Love it,…lot of love is happening here….you captured it in words..a true gift. Thanks for a morning lift and lots of laughter….

  2. mummybigbum says:

    Ohhh you guys have such a fantastic relationship. Very very jealous! I think it’s great that you’re not totally the same, but I don’t think complete opposites work either. He sounds brill, you need to put up a clip of his hysterical laughter!

    Thanks for such lovely lovely comments on my blog. I am always buzzing for the rest of the evening after I read one 🙂 Thank you, you are so supportive xx

    • mzklever says:

      It definitely keeps life interesting.

      You ARE a great writer, Ms. Versatile Blog award! Look at how many awards you’ve gotten in your first month! I love reading about your accidental new job.

  3. Our hair turns grey, our bodies sag, our teeth fall out and we end up in rocking chairs on the porch .. with nothing but time. If you have someone who can make you laugh, you have it all.
    Lovely post.

  4. mzklever says:

    Thanks 🙂 It takes a really long time to learn what’s important in a marriage.

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