I started this the night before we left for Connecticut. I could lie and say we’ve been soooo busy, but in reality, we’ve just been relaxing and enjoying life in Leigh’s house, even without electricity, running water, showers, or internet. Either way, here’s my last mommy rant before my daughter leaves for college.
Procrastination runs long and hard in this house, and I fully expected there would be some arguments over what should go and what should stay. Indeed, packing is as much the nightmare as I expected. It’s like having a two year old who wants to wear her ballerina halloween costume to the Valentine’s Day party. No, you may NOT take your rattiest, dog hair covered clothes, even if you think they’ll be warm, and if they are covered in dog hair, don’t tell me they are clean.
Silk is the best bottom layer, with cotton a close second. Thin acrylic sweaters are not going to make the cut. Yes, I will let you take some of your formals, but you are not taking the wedding gown. Where are your boots? What do you mean you don’t know? I’ve only been asking you for the last two weeks to gather your stuff together. Yes, I know you want to take your stilletos, but I can ship them, so quit wasting time trying to find them. I thought you said you had pajamas. These are Texas pajamas, not Massachusetts pajamas, and there’s only one pair in here. Are you really going to wear the same pair of pajamas every day for an entire semester? DON’T answer that.
I know it is hot outside, but yes, you ARE wearing your coat on the plane. They don’t weigh you, just your luggage, so if it goes over 50lbs, it’s going home with your dad. Yes, I know you’ve been to Colorado and stood at the top of the windy staircase, and you played on an ice field. I know you spent three days in New York City in a February, and yes, I know it “snowed.” But you haven’t LIVED at the top of the windy staircase for four months, and it’s not snow when you can’t see your hand in front of your face. That’s a blizzard. Remember the campus closed down twice this spring, due to blizzards? Guess what. Those people LIVE there, and it was still too much for them to deal with. These are people with proper clothing, proper equipment, and extraneous body fat.
You will have a good coat, excellent gloves, and the best boots available, but even if you gain the freshman 15, you still won’t have any extraneous body fat. You’re freezing here when I turn the air down to 75 and the fan is on. Do you think you are magically going to become warmer when you move just shy of Canada? CAN-A-DA. Where it is cold all but two weeks out of the year.
Yes, you’ll use all of those tights. However, were you planning on wearing anything over them? One ratty pair of jeans and a cheap pair of corduroys? The velour pants are great, as long as you don’t intend to leave your dorm. That will make it difficult to attend class, don’t you think? And yes, people do go to class, even when it is 0 degrees outside. I know you’ll acclimate, but it takes more than a couple of months. Acclimation still assumes proper clothing.
You may take your skirts, but do not try to wear them once the temperature drops below freezing. I know, you have tights. If you wear all forty pair at once, you may also wear a skirt. Yes, you can wear your wool dress. A dress is just like a skirt? No, it’s different. Your wool dress is made of wool, and it’s knitted. Your skirts are thin rayon, and woven. Don’t roll your eyes at me. When your thighs freeze together, you’ll be sorry.
Did you pack your makeup, hair dryer, curling iron? I know you’re not a party girl. I know you’re not going to date anyone ever again, or at least not for two whole years. That’s not why I’m asking. It’s rather difficult to get dressed up for a modeling call if your makeup and hair supplies are in Texas. No, we are not just buying new stuff when we get there. We just bought this stuff. Don’t forget to moisturize. Fine, don’t moisturize, and when your cheeks fall off, I’ll just say I told you so.
Do you have all of your prescriptions and your medical records? I realize Walgreens can just transfer the prescriptions, but the closest one is three miles away, in a different town. I don’t doubt that you can walk six miles. I agree that you’ll make friends with people who have cars. Let’s talk about this whole blizzard thing one more time. Roads close. Stores close. Pharmacies close. You can snowshoe six miles roundtrip if you’d like, but it won’t do you any good when no one else felt like snowshoeing to work. However, you can snowshoe to the school infirmary and I guarantee there will be someone there.
Don’t buy your books on campus without checking online first. Yes, I know they rent textbooks. Did you know that they only rent textbooks for approximately fifteen classes, only one of which you might actually take this semester? I promise I will try to get you a tablet, but I cannot guarantee that all of your books will be e-pubbed, so yes, you do need a backpack. And a purse. Did you pack a purse? Go get a purse. Get the black purse. It goes with everything and slings over your shoulder.
Remember, do not go to parties at Amherst or Hampshire. Do you not remember the designer acid in “Death at a Funeral”? Unless you want to wake up naked on top of a house screaming that everything is too green, stay away from frat parties. Always take a designated sober sister, just like in “Greek.” Yes, the show you refused to watch with me. The sober sister is like the designated driver. She’s there to make sure you don’t wake up naked next to the ugly guy from your chem class that smells like boiled cabbage. Friends don’t let friends sleep with ugly, smelly, cabbage guys, no matter how smart they are.
Don’t drink out of an open container. Hold your hand over the top of your glass at all times. Get a new drink if yours leaves your sight. It’s like the warnings at the airport. You don’t know what someone may put in them when you aren’t looking. Don’t think that because the party is in your dorm that you’re safer than if you were at a frat house. Someone can still put something in your drink, no matter where you are.
ALWAYS let someone know where you are going, with whom you are going, and when you’ll be back. If no one is around, leave a note, send a text, or post it on facebook if you have to. If there’s a natural disaster, the campus needs to know where you are. Yes, I mean like a blizzard, smart ass. I also mean like a shooting, a bombing, a terrorist attack. Okay, those aren’t natural disasters, but you know exactly what I mean.
Most importantly, even if you forget everything I’ve said, your thighs freeze together, you wake up naked smelling like boiled cabbage, you get frostbite, you get a D in chem because you have to spend the rest of the semester avoiding cabbage guy, and you get lost in a blizzard thereby causing emergency services to have to go looking for you, never never never forget that I love you more than life itself.
“This ain’t goodbye, This is just where love goes
When words aren’t warm enough to keep away the cold
This ain’t goodbye, It’s not where our story ends
But I know you can’t be mine, not the way you’ve always been
As long as we’ve got time, Then this ain’t goodbye”