I won’t tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you…

I always find it interesting how interwebbed the internet is. No matter how you try to hide, if someone is slick enough, they can find you. It’s tough being a mom and trying to keep up with teenage master hackers. It helps when they underestimate my skillz, but it still pushes my little fibro-damaged brain to its limits. But keep in mind, that works both ways. They can find me just as easily, and likely faster, mainly because I’m not trying to hide.

I’ve always been one of the few who sees through Isaac’s bullshit to the pain underneath. Aubrey is the only other one, and that’s just because she’s my daughter, and has been raised to see through such things. It’s a safety thing, mainly. Teaching her how to see past the surface is the only way to protect her from predators. Maybe that’s why for her, psychology was an extremely easy A class. Either way, we know that Isaac doth protest too much, particularly without cause.

A while back, I discovered Isaac’s stumbleupon account, and found his favorited posts. I thought them extremely interesting, as he was posting on topics that Aubrey is fascinated by, and will likely study…like cognitive neuroscience. This makes it easy to know that all of his fit throwing, meanness, and other cowardly bullshit is exactly that. Cowardly bullshit. If he didn’t still love her, he wouldn’t be cyber-stalking my blog. How do I know he’s been cyber-stalking me? Because he saw my video. On the day it came out. Not when it hit facebook weeks later, not when someone else would have had a chance to tell him about it. The same day. No one knew about it yet. Except on that same day, Isaac either stopped using stumbleupon or switched usernames. In other words, he watches me as much as I watch him. Why? Because I’m safer. He can’t stalk Aubrey because it is way too painful. But me? Well, I’m easy to hate, despise, and dismiss. I’m not the woman he loves. But through me, he can still find out what is going on in Aubrey’s life. Is she dating? Is she over him yet? Is she happy? Is she okay? No, No, No, and No. Will he step up and do anything about it to make her life better? Uh…NO.

When Aubrey went to AH graduation, she was shocked and infuriated to see THREE pictures of them together in the slideshow. There was not one single photo of him alone. Here’s the thing…He was in the AV club. I’d be willing to bet money that he was the one who put that slideshow together. After weeks of him not texting her, in spite of her texting him numerous times in an attempt to rekindle their friendship, when she did text him about the photos, he immediately texted her back to say they were used without his consent. Bullshit.

Now, Isaac has changed his fb profile pic to a dead-on straight shot of his infuriated face. In his eyes is a “Fuck you”, with tight lips and dirty hair, taken in front of a messy room. No smile. No cute, fluffy, cos-play, furry hat & mitts. Instead, there is only hatred. What he forgets is that I don’t buy it for a second. Oh, I’m sure that what he means is to look hateful. For anyone else, he succeeds. Not with me, though.

What I see is a sad, lonely little boy suffering from moderate to severe depression. I see someone who desperately needs to be loved, but doesn’t know how to let anyone love him because he doesn’t believe he is worthy of being loved. I see someone who is violently angry, but at himself, because he doesn’t know how to accurately direct all that anger. Back when I worked at the Psychological Corporation, one of the psychs there said that depression is really just anger turned inwards. Indeed, in Isaac’s case, I have to agree.

I know what depression feels like, and how it can turn one’s own mind against oneself. It can make someone who is very loved feel like the entire world is against them. It can make someone feel like there is no reason to get out of bed, ever. It makes one feel like all they want to do is escape, by whatever means necessary; television, sex, drugs, alcohol, or…video gaming. It makes one feel just exhausted, so exhausted that one just wants it to stop. Worst of all, it makes one feel like they are nothing but a burden to those they love, and that those people would be better off without them. Yes, I know EXACTLY how that feels. I have the hospital bills to prove it. Fortunately, I was so incredibly wrong, and the people who love me were there for me, even though I just wanted to be left alone.

My point is, Isaac, no matter how “Fuck you” your picture may attempt to be, even when we are angry with you, irritated by you, and know you are full of bullshit, you are STILL loved. One of these days, you will learn that you can be angry, irritated, and pissed off at people, and still love them, and even more amazingly, have them still love you. YOU are loved. Deal with it.

“Can’t read my, can’t read my, no she can’t read my poker face (he’s got to love nobody)”






4 thoughts on “I won’t tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you…

  1. I’m sure he’s already read it and it’s made him mad. One day he will probably look back and see that this post is right on the money and he has lost something very special. Good work putting it out there in the cyber world.

    I really like your description of depression.

    • mzklever says:

      It’s easy to describe depression when you live with it everyday. I never, ever thought I would attempt suicide, but after a while, you just get SO tired. I was just tired of everything, and figured no one needed me anymore, since my daughter had graduated from high school and was already accepted to a great college. I just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep. I am forever grateful that I was unsuccessful, thanks to my best friend. When something wonderful happens now, I think, “Wow, I would have missed this.” And believe me, there is a whole lot of wonderful in my life.

      • From what you’ve written I would have never guessed. To have a loving supportive spouse, wonderfully talented loving kids and a gift to write so beautifully maybe a passing case of the blues but to want to leave….wow….I’ll bet the fibermyalgia is hard to cope with on top of everything else?

        In my life I feel many of the symptoms you’ve listed and I wonder if I’m off balance. When read about how others are effected by the real thing I just consider myself a whiner and feel dumb

  2. mzklever says:

    There are different levels of depression, and different symptoms. Not everyone would describe it the same way. Don’t minimize yourself, your thoughts, or your feelings. They are YOURS, so claim them, speak them, yell them to the world. YOU are also a gifted writer. I am not special…there are hundreds of thousands of wordpress writers that are a million times better than I am. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else, ever. You are you.

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